Disillusion

If you want to read a gleeful, inspiring writing then I can tell you that you're not going to like what you'll about to read. No serious writing, no thoughts, no ideas, no...well, nothing really. Because at the moment it seems that I am completely incapable of acquiring all those things.

Have you ever felt like there's something wrong, terribly wrong, inside you but you can't quite figure out what it is? That's how I feel right now.

I'm in Melbourne. I'm in a university. I'm studying abroad. That's always been my dream practically since I was kid. So hypothetically, I'd be having the best time in my life. The reality? Not so much.

Right now I just feel anything but motivated. Anything but passionate. Anything but inspired. Anything but ambitious. Anything but living life to the fullest.

I wake up every day between 12-3 pm. I go to the bathroom, not showering, only clearing out the bladder. I eat brunch (breakfast/lunch), or extremely late brunch that is, if the mood strikes. I usually eat oatmeal with a few slices of banana. And then I turn on the laptop and sign in on Windows Live, Y! Messenger, and Skype. I open Facebook, Plurk, (and now Twitter), and scan today's news in the RSS bookmarks. I scan Antara first, then Tempo, then Kompas, then the international news section, with BBC being the favorite. And then I surf the net until 3-4 am; only to be interrupted by the occasional desire to cook macaroni or eat some Pringles or Pop Mie. Of course, the schedule's slightly different on weekdays , but nothing important. This is how life usually goes by in here.

And then.....what?

I don't know. I don't even know what to write because I don't know what's wrong. When I tell my friends that I'm currently extremely lazy and unmotivated, they say "well, we all have those periods" and "it'll pass". But I don't think this is just one of those periods. And it's definitely not passing because I've been like this, for what, a month now? Two, three months? I know how 'lazy periods' feel like, just like any other 12th grade student who's about to face the final exams or university entrance tests, I've had "those periods". They are temporary and yes, usually I do get my feet back up relatively easy to keep going again. But this one is different, unfortunately.

I know the theories. I know that I should be grateful just for being here. I know I should not waste opportunities. I know I should always give my best in everything I do. I know that I have to work hard if I want to graduate with distinction and chase my dreams of becoming a true statesman. I know that I should be the one I've been waiting for.

But it's just not working. I'm out of words. It's like, there's something broken inside me. I'm completely messed up in the inside. And I don't know what's causing that mess. So, the problem is, how can I clean up the mess if I don't even know where the mess is?

Argh. Crap.

I don't like myself being like this, too melancholic and too gloomy.



I need help. Can you help?

My Personality Type & Multiple Intelligences

One down, two to go!

Oh, the pleasure of getting things done. You just can't beat the pleasure of finishing an assignment. It's so good that it makes me want to do the next one (a 2,500-word essay on US relations with China due Thursday 5 P.M.) straight away.

But I'm dizzy. Well I guess that's what you get after 25 and a half consecutive (and counting) hours without sleeping. But I'm fired up! But dizzy. Fired up! Dizzy.

Oh well, I'll sleep now and wake up at 3 A.M. and hopefully will still be fired up by then. Talk to ya later, folks!